Do we give too much of ourselves to please our partners?

It seems that several women go through a process of self-discovery or re-discovery after divorce or long-time relationships. Most of us state that we lost our selves, letting the partners’ lives and hobbies trump their own.  And I couldn’t avoid thinking: why do we give up on ourselves?

I started this note writing that we should try knowing ourselves before being married; understanding the things/hobbies we cannot give up no matter our marital status; and I even thought about encouraging open conversations with your partner on the compromises needed so that both could feed each others’ dreams and passions. But then, wonderful God and His Holy Spirit illuminated me… It got to be them because I do not think I could have come up with this one on my own.

We forget that hobbies and activities only fill our lives of stuff. It only fills up time and sometimes we can continue adding things without feeling fulfilled or only attaining temporary fulfillment.  Sometimes, it could only serve as a distraction and a noise for us not to spend time in silence or in servicing others. I think that everyone, women and men, need to be continuously in search of their mission in life and what they are called to do for God and ultimately their salvation.  And it is the duty of a husband and a wife to help his/her partner achieve salvation by supporting them through their mission. This fulfills our vocation in matrimony.

The mission becomes the passion, and both partners work together toward supporting, encouraging and helping each other to bring to life their respective missions. Otherwise, there will always be emptiness in their hearts. And losing themselves by “doing” what the other does is only a symptom of a bigger issue. This is the fact that nowadays we spend more time “doing things of the world” rather that “servicing and loving for God.”

Are you letting 'good' get in the way of 'better'?

The act of faith is not easy to make. It demands, among other things, that we gamble real life on hope, that we give up what we already possess, see, and understand, for something that we do not yet possess, see, or understand. It is not easy, or natural, to make the leap of faith, to learn to live life and draw support from that which is beyond what we can experience naturally.”

- - from A Restless Heart

Would you be willing to leave a perfect, comfortable life with the security of a good salary, support system, social life, etc.?  Many would stay within their current lives, instead of starting something new, that we may not know perfectly how things would work. Either way is good… but one would be better.

A Franciscan nun offered me a thought during my decision-making process about moving from NYC to Panama. It was that the hardest decision is when we need to choose and differentiate between good and better. And the most important principle is to never let good get in the way of better.

Deciding between good and better is a difficult task because we could potentially continue doing what we are doing and be perfectly happy. The challenge is that we would never know if choosing the other option of life would get us to a better place. For this reason, it is important to understand the intention of our hearts in leaning towards one option versus another, as well as to dedicate time for discernment and reflection.

In my case, my current situation at that time was my life in NYC and ultimately the USA. I was doing pretty well at work, while having such an active life in the city. I had different groups of friends and was giving back to my Church community as never before. It was hard for me to think about being in a better place than the comfort I gained in the USA, where I knew how to find a job, how to make friends quickly, and had a support system from every city I have lived in.

Here is where the second thought made the difference for me: do not let good gets into the way of better. Being able to choose which option was good or better was tricky and required much reflection. I took time to visualize each one of my options and then write down pros/cons, feelings and concerns associated with the life I imagined. Reality is that I could not think of any other reason to stay in USA other than the security of work and money.  That had nothing to do with our mission as Christians, which is love.

Panama offered me the support and love of my family. It has been more than a decade since I left Panama, and there is a lot of fear involved in going there. My family does not really know how I have changed; my friends are not used to have me as part of their lives; I have never had the need to find a job there; and Panama is a society that moves with contacts and social status and I have none of those. However, Panama is my home, where my heart is along with all my loved ones.

… So I chose Panama, a country full of unknown to me. All I can do now is to be excited about this adventure, trusting that God did not put this desire in my heart for no good reason.

The Spiritual Side of NYC!

NYC makes you strong in many ways.  It teaches you to walk fast and walk everywhere, run to the subway or to get the taxi first, not to notice the homeless as they are so many, park your car fast as people don’t have the time to wait, not to let others run you over or over you, tough it up while getting any public process done, hold a long night of party, and so much more.  But NYC, like any other city and place in the world, has a beautiful side… a soft side that builds your heart.

NYC taught me about love, patience and faith. I only lived there for about 20 months, and my community and friends made me fall in love with the city. From the corner bakery servers to Don Pedro & Beto in the parking garage and my Panamanian dancing group in Brooklyn… everyone offered me a kind heart, a candid hello, a warm welcome and farewell. The best was the Ascension Church, and everything I got to learn in the Charismatic Movement.

Using the talents and gifts God has given me for the benefit of His Church is how I started learning about love.  The greatest example was the strong desire I felt to leave all my belongings within the Church community. I still have a long journey towards love, but NYC gave me the opportunity to discover how I can go about this. I am confident that God will also guide me in the next few months on loving!

Working with the young adults group at Church gave me the initial steps towards practicing patience. It requires time to let God work in the hearts and minds of a team. Even if I knew how to get the outcome, I needed to teach the team how to get things done so that they could get inspired and learn about their own potential. It is now so fulfilling to see how the group has defined its vision and a strong plan to conquer the hearts of the youth in NYC.

Faith continues to be a work in progress.  It was in a Healing Retreat where I had the vision of returning home. And the process to make the decision final took patience but much more faith.  Leaving the known and the comfort of my life in the USA to come to the unknown but familiar home in Panama was a challenge that taught me about putting my trust on that vision that I had and knowing with confidence that God put that in my heart for a very good reason: because He will give me abundantly! However, I didn’t know what that abundance would be… and I confess I am still on that journey.

NYC is a wonderful city, a city where you could find any experience you can imagine. And I am so happy that I got to practice love, patience and faith in that beautiful, exhilarating city.

Coming back to Sharing

It has been almost 2 years. It doesn't mean that I have stop writing; I just stopped sharing. The death of my sister brought about some emotions and questions that I hadn't faced before. I got paralyzed for a few months and afraid of making decisions that could change the course of my last 18 years.

Today, the fear of other new things are here, but sharing and loving is a way to release. It's ultimately our purpose in life, so I'm ready to share.

I'll be playing a bit of flashback bringing some of the unrevealed writings of the last 2 years. Hope you enjoy it!

Losing a Sister, Having a Shining Star for Life!

This Holiday Season was an unforgettable one… I lost my sister Sussy. She was admitted into the hospital the night of December 25^th, passed away on December 31^st, and was buried on January 6^th. Sussy was my oldest sister from the side of my dad. She was 37 and mother of 4: a teenager girl, a 4-yr. old boy, and 10 months old twin girls. Even though we did not grow up being very close to each other, losing her had a significant meaning for me. Ultimately, she was my sister and we shared good moments together.

During her funeral service, the Priest gave us a beautiful message about the Epiphany, which has kept me inspired to do a bit more research. “The Epiphany takes its name from the Greek epiphania, which denotes the visit of a god to earth. The first idea of the feast is the manifestation of Christ as the Son of God. The feast unites three events in the life of Christ when His divinity, as it were, shines through His humanity: the adoration of the Magi; the baptism of Christ in the Jordan; and the first miracle at the wedding feast of Cana. A second important idea in Epiphany is the extension of Christ's kingship to the whole world. The revelation of Christ to the three kings at Bethlehem is a symbol of His revelation to the whole of the Gentile world. Epiphany presents to us the calling of not merely a chosen few, but all nations to Christianity. Closely linked to both these themes of divine manifestation and world kingship is a third idea running through the Epiphany feast: that of light. At Christmas the Light shone forth, but dimly, seen only by a few around the crib: Mary and Joseph and the shepherds. But at Epiphany the Light bursts forth to all nations and the prophecy is fulfilled: "The Gentiles shall walk in Thy light, and kings in the brightness of Thy rising." The mysterious star of Epiphany, ‘flashing like a flame,’ is still another facet of the light-motif.”

The Priest told us that life is full of stars or situations to direct us or show us the way to the light. He asked us to think of Sussy as a flashing star. This has made me reflect significantly in my relationship with my siblings (especially from dad side). And I want to be more for them… I want us to be a family. I want them to feel that they can count on me; I want to make them smile and share great moments with them. I want to also be close to my other nephews and nieces… guide them and advise them, or simply be there for them.

But the Epiphany also gives me a message of courage. “Like the three wise men, we should have the courage to follow the light of the star we have seen, however hazardous the journey; that the light of our faith, like that of the wise men, should be so strong that we are able to see and recognize our Lord and Ruler in however unexpected a way He may present Himself to us.” I hope and pray I can face with courage and humility every situation that comes my way, in my desire to strengthen my family relationships and carry the light of Christ to all those I meet in my journey.

Source:

http://www.catholicculture.org/culture/liturgicalyear/activities/view.cfm?id=442

Today Feeling Alone is a Reason for Joy

Some days I get the feeling that it sucks to be single. Yeah, this feeling of “aloneness” sucks. But today, I got to think about it a bit deeper.

I am so thankful I feel sometimes this way, because:

• This means that I do want to be married and have a family. Admitting that I’m not happily single continues making me understand the wonderful feeling of being a woman and trying to get everything I can as a woman.
• I realize that I do want a relationship. I do want to cuddle while watching TV on a cold day; I desire to have someone who cares about my day and giving me company as much as possible; and I want that special person that is my best friend and lover at the same time.

This feeling of loneliness is a reason of joy. It is a natural progression of my spiritual journey. “As a conscious, forward thinking, fun-loving, choice-making individual, you realize that you hold everything you need inside of yourself but you also realize that you deserve loving and healthy human contact.” So I will continue enjoying waiting for the man God is preparing for me; I will continue meeting lots of people and being my very self; I will continue using this wonderful time to serve and praise God, while leaving enough time for that special one to come to my life; and more importantly, I will not stop believing because I am a child of love and hope.

A Very Hopeful Letter, but Never Sent

Mr. Single Man,

This is not natural to me so please be gentle with me. I rationalize everything; I follow logic more than heart. With you, not the case: My heart is expressing in ways that I can actually understand… it just flows, feels natural and not forced. So, here I am, taking a leap of faith (different from jumping into the pool), getting out of my comfort zone and trying something new.

I know it has been a few times we have shared together, but consistently this is how I have felt:

· I enjoy getting to know about you and I want to know more. I really like your company. You are fun, smart, kind, intellectual, thoughtful, cute, handsome & just great J

· I lose track of time around you, and I don’t want time with you to come to an end. I just want to keep doing things with you or bringing up more topics just to have more time with you. I feel like I want to share with you everything that’s going on with me or that I want to do/experience. :-)

· I can be myself around you. I’m not afraid of what could happen, what you could think, whether you are judging me… I don’t even think about it… I am just my real self. With you, I can be goofy, nerdy, argumentative, silly, sarcastic, Miss Smarty-pants, etc… because you kindly accept me.

All this feels right and good, and I don’t want to give it all up just because I’m a few thousand miles away or afraid of being rejected. I know I cannot ask much, so I would like to humbly request:

Are you willing to staying in touch with me, in a very deliberate way?

Intention is to get to know each other without being worried about distance. When appropriate, we can discuss distance. For now, let’s do phone dating :-)

I know our lives are busy and together we can think of many reasons why this cannot work. But it’s a matter of trying and not calling out the play before the game starts. We will need to be willing to let go a little of our routines and make time/space for each other. Just remember that we cannot see what the other side holds for us if we are not willing to go through the unknown for a bit.

There may even be a reason why God has brought us together right at the time of my move to NY. Let’s take a small leap of faith… what do you say?

If this note offends you or puts you in an uncomfortable position, please forgive me. BUT if your answer is yes, call me as soon as possible and tell me about your day.