Forgive and Forget: The Story with My Ex-Husband

I have been now divorced for 7 years, and I recently decided to pursue the annulment of the Catholic marriage. Throughout this process, I have faced the fear of not being able to start a new family and then the guilt and embarrassment for being so immature in the past. But I overcame all that thanks to the Grace of God and the love and care of friends and family.

This December, I had my appointment at the Ecclesiastical Tribunal to start the demand for the annulment. The lady was so encouraging, telling me the importance of now start thinking on my future and the man I want God to send me. She was joking about me writing a letter to God this Christmas asking for the 5 C’s: Catholic, Committed, with Cash, Car, and Check Book.

But then, she mentioned the unavoidable: contacting my ex-husband so that the process can go smoothly and avoid any delays in the process.

After a few years of the separation and then divorce, I had managed to forgive him and myself for all that happened, but had never thought of getting back in touch with him. I had disappeared from everyone related to him all these years. But committed as I am to getting this annulment, I started searching for ways to get his contact information.

It took contacting 4 of his friends. All of them were somehow surprised to hear from me, but also glad for it. It was so nice to hear from all of them, just like time had not passed. Everyone was very helpful and supportive, which was a great teaching from God as I thought that people had taken parts when we separated.

I then talked to my ex-husband, and it was down to business. I informed him on the process, ask for some information, and then wished happy holidays. It was that! It was nothing… no emotions, no pain, no anger, just nothing… and I’m so thankful to God from freeing myself from any negative feeling related to him.

This is the first time that I have consciously forgiving and forgetting. It’s liberating to know, for sure, that I have gone through this process in such a positive way. Now, I’m certain that the Lord has put this mission in front of me (getting the annulment) because He has great things in store for me.

2011 will be a great year: a year of liberation & new beginnings!

The Gift & Skill of Patience

During the last few months, I have faced different situations that have challenged my patience. These include getting my new job in California, moving my projects along at work, and discovering whether a relationship is more than a friendship. Throughout these experiences, I have found moments when I push for things to happen or to develop. At some point, I may even feel restless, thinking I may be trying too hard without getting any result.
The importance of being patient came to mind, and I did a bit of research on what patience entails. We practice patience with people (when wronged, offended, rejected, or treated unfairly); in trials, inconveniences and when things go wrong; and with ourselves, our personal expectations, aspirations and weaknesses. It is a skill we decide to develop, not an inherited trait.

Patience is about delaying our response and avoiding implulsive fight, fright, or flight (escape) responses. The root words in Greek are:
(1) Makrothumia or long temper. This means delayed reaction to anger, wrath, retaliation, & judgment; and
(2) Hupomeno or to abide under. This implies delayed reaction of frustration, despair, panic, escape, isolation, and running away.

Patience is somehow a gift; and the Bible in facts listed it as one of the graces from the Holy Spirit. To have patience, we need to have hope & love. Hope is what gives us the endurance and the capability of delaying our response. It is about having hope & trust that God will take care of things and clarify the situation for you.

Why is it so hard then? I honestly believe that it’s the fact that we struggle balancing our drive with patience; our intention and commitment to achieve a goal and our ability to let go of the results of our actions. This is an everyday practice of balance. Here are a few tips I found online. Try them when you see things not going your way:
(1) Develop realistic expectations. Learn to expect and plan for things not always going smoothly so you will be prepared if you encounter complications and be pleased if you don't.
(2) Realize that setbacks are only temporary. Resilient people choose to view difficult times as temporary setbacks, believing that the difficulty will pass.
(3) Employ a problem solving attitude instead of choosing to be a victim. People who see themselves as victims seem to believe the world is out to get them, while problem solvers can clearly see what they can and cannot change without taking things so personally.
(4) Have faith that you can overcome a difficult situation. Be patient knowing that if you have overcome a difficulty before that you can use that as encouragement to get through life's ups and downs.
(5) Be aware of triggers that cause you to become impatient. If it's something you can change, take steps to change it. If not, then adjust your attitude and mindset accordingly

Source: http://www.ehow.com/how_2238712_be-patient.html

See a Dream Become Possible

Why don’t more of us look to achieve bold, aggressive goals? We feel afraid because it seems too big or too impossible; we believe we don’t have the skills, connections, or time to do what is needed; we may believe we don’t have the leadership or endurance to do what it takes to get there.

At training at my new job, I learn a new definition of leader and commitment that inspire me in such an energizing way. A leader is he/she who commits to something he/she does not know how to attain. And being committed is about doing what you say you would do, long after the mood have left us.

Let me take you through a bit more on these 2 provoking concepts.

We usually set goals that we know we can achieve. We look at our past to see if we have done it before or if we have done something close enough. We need the security and confidence that we will achieve it. We are not really afraid of change, but we avoid uncertainty at all cost. With this new definition of Leader, I become so much more empowered to shoot high and trust that little by little I will get there. We will need to build bridges that enhance our confidence. By bridges, I mean facts that help you believe that you can attain that goal. For example, I want to be a professional coach; I have no experience, but the feedback I have gotten from friends reveal I have skills. That’s a bridge.

Now to be able to get to that new possibility or dream that we have for ourselves, we need to be committed. It cannot be that today we are excited about it (that’s the mood), and when things start not going too well, we give up. That’s when we have to be more creative and push forward. Being committed is much more that believing; it is about having endurance and confidence that we will get there, while making peace with uncertainty and not knowing exactly how. If you commit to your possibility, you will see how your perception of the world changes and, hence the conversations we have internal and externally.

Through Suffering, We Meet Faith & God's Grace

It’s just amazing and almost miraculous when I have felt I cannot keep going any longer, and all of the sudden, something happens that clears everything. It may come as an additional push of strength, or someone’s timely advice, or a movie you watch, or on the clarity of a solution, but it always comes.

Thomas Merton, in his book “No Man Is An Island,” says: “To believe in suffering is pride: but to suffer, believing in God, is humility.” This is mainly because pride tells us that we are strong enough to go through life and problems on our own; we can power through them with need of no one but ourselves because we are that good. However, humility tells us that even though suffering is an evil thing, it gives us the opportunity to experience the mercy of God, whose grace allows us to overcome evil with good.

Put this way, suffering is good. It allows us to receive abundantly from God and make us better and stronger. The Letter of St. Paul to Titus says: “But when the kindness and generous love of God our savior appeared, not because of any righteous deeds we had done but because of his mercy. (Ti 3:4-5). However, suffering does not come from God; it is the result of the fall of men and our collective sins.

Suffering is also a good opportunity to practice endurance of our faith, especially in prolonged periods of suffering. Faith is not only to believe in what you cannot see. Its Greek translation corresponds to the “noun πίστις (pistis) or the verb πιστεύω (pisteuo), meaning to trust, to have confidence, faithfulness, to be reliable, to assure” (Source: Wikipedia). It is then an attitude of firm conviction (not a hope or idea) that God will provide for you and helps you coming through that suffering.

I still remember like yesterday those 11 months that I was pursuing my move to California. It was very hard at work… I had to practice patience, endurance and humility almost every week. And one week, when I thought I just cannot keep going, I was driving and started to talk with God. I said something like, “God, after this interview, I will take a couple of months off. If this desire is not aligned with Your Will, please take it away… but if it is aligned, send me a sign and make it stronger.” The very next day, I got a phone call with a job offer. This was not me… this was supernatural… this was the mysterious grace of God! This became a strong testimony in my life to trust the Lord and let Him work things on his timing.

Do you have similar examples? Please share. Let’s rejoice and inspire one another on the works of faith in our lives.

Quality of our Internal Conversations

What we entertain in our minds and the conversations we have within us influence how we see the world around us and, hence, generate our actions.

Our minds are wounded, continuously calling our weaknesses, vulnerabilities, inabilities, and ultimately our sins. Our mind becomes, in a certain point, our worst enemy. It is always clinging to the past and/or future, leading us not to change or act because we are too guilty, afraid and/or worried.

I wished I could tell you the little voice will shut up soon. But no, that will not happen so we need to change how we respond to that voice. I suggest recognizing it is there, but then quickly moving on to a more productive, exciting thought. Using God’s promises to us is a good way to respond as well. For instance, you get a thought of fear of failure, and you can say: “You won’t be afraid of sudden trouble; you won’t fear the ruin that comes to the wicked, because the Lord will keep you safe. He will keep you from being trapped (Proverbs 3:25-26).”

Our minds are very limited. And only God, who dwells in us, is limitless, without boundaries, and able to see the bigger picture. That’s why it is important to stay in touch with our true inner self, dedicating time to reflection, prayer, and meditation. By this way, we time and space for God and its Holy Spirit to communicate with us.

This connection with our true Self will help us staying focused on our talents, strengths, and all the great abilities God has given us to help our friends, communities, and this world. With this focus, it’s a lot easier to commit to our dreams, make choices aligned with God’s will, do that thing you have always wished for, be more confident and start acting to impact the life of others.

Suggested Companion: "God's Promises for every day"

When my Spiritual Journey Started

I found a note I wrote to my friends during the time I spent in the Ashram in March-April 2009. This is just an excerpt but can give you a pretty good idea on how I started developing spiritually. Learning about my mind was just a start... what God has done in me during the last 16 months is even better...

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Controlling My Mind

I read that the emotions are the result of your thoughts; hence, we can control how situations impact us IF we can control our mind.

There is so much philosophy and even science on how the mind works, but I don’t want to get into those details. I just want to share the practices and/or beliefs that I have integrated to my life, so I can bring a positive change into the way I am living and reacting to life:

- What I’m going through is not my life; it’s my life situation at the moment. Ups and downs are important in life to be able to grow spiritually. You need the down moments to appreciate the up’s. So we should embrace both. All that happen during my last 5-7 months in my job was just a situation that helped me being today in this place where I’m gaining so much inner awareness. I have learn that it’s not where I am or what I am doing but HOW I’m doing it. It’s on how I respond to situations, thoughts, challenges, etc.

- I am not my thoughts: We believe that the mind is us (I), but consciousness or self is above our mind. We need to separate our self from the mind in order to control the mind and find liberation. I have learn not to reach immediately to my thoughts, but to use “intellect” – not impulse – to make calls.

- Ego is my biggest obstacle to liberation and we are very attached to it. Everything is about us, on us, against us, for us, with us, etc… so I have encountered some situations in the Ashram with certain people and have decided to set my ego aside and move on or surrender. It hurt me so much to the point of crying, because I can and actually a lot of pride. The ego is what gives us the sense of “separateness,” making us feel like we were different or special versus the others.

- Watching my Mind instead of Reacting to It. Through meditation, I have gained “some” calmness of mind, developing better abilities to think about any situation and discriminate appropriately. I have used a journal to track my mind, and you would be amazed on the tricks it plays on me. One day I would be glad to be here, and immediately the next day I would feel that this was the worst decision ever. So watching those thoughts have been an interesting process. Now, after I got to be a witness of those thoughts, they have given up. And I am totally pleased for being here, meeting the people here, helping in their marketing work, and of course I love my asanas and meditation.

Right & Wrong Are Only Mental Construct

“If you get obsessed with whether you’re making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another. This is not the correct assumption because the universe is flexible; it adapts to any decision you make.”

So, are there wrong decisions or just new experiences? Why do we believe we have to make choices? Who determines if the choice is right or wrong?

Being choice-makers keeps us and our mind trapped in this sequence of right and wrongs. Wouldn’t you think we could enjoy life more if we let go the need for choices? We may be able to live without boundaries and limitations, acting at the will of God with complete trust. If we just are aware (here is the key: “aware”), we may do choices spontaneously without the need of trapping our minds into thinking and thinking about risks, people’s reactions, future impact, etc of every decision.

We should let go the need to evaluate whether we did right or wrong decisions. Let’s list some of the “wrong” decisions we have made and then write all the good things that came from them. I’m sure we find great things coming out of those “wrong” choices. “Every event in life can be causing one of two things: (1) It’s good for you; or (2) It’s bringing what you need to look at in order to create good for you.”

Life is self-correcting, so don’t hammer or punish your Self when you think you have made the wrong choice or when things don’t go as “planned.”

See the possibilities in “whatever” happens. When you don’t get what you wished, ask yourself where am I supposed to look? And just be open to change course to a new, maybe even richer experience!

Keep Pressing Through... the Hard Times!

Every other day or so, I receive a "Vitamin" from a friend. It is mainly Bible based thoughts to help readers through difficult times... And we all certainly have those challenges every day. A few months ago, I got a powerful one that says:

"We all go through seasons of difficulty that can sometimes feel overwhelming. But during these times, we have to remember that Almighty God is greater than the struggle we face! He'll take those challenges and use them to strengthen us, but we have to do our part and get into agreement with Him. Think about the caterpillar before it becomes a butterfly. When it's wrapped in its cocoon in the dark on the backside of some tree, it doesn't look like it has many options. But after it becomes a butterfly, it doesn't just sit waiting for someone to come and drill a hole and let it out. No! That butterfly knows that it has to make a move if it's going to be set free to fly. In the same way, we have to do something to get out of the confining places we are in. We have to pray, we have to believe, and keep pressing through to victory. Today, no matter what you may be facing, remember His grace is sufficient for you. His strength is made perfect in you. Keep believing, keep praying, keep hoping, and keep pressing through. Before long, you'll break free and rise to the new levels of victory God has prepared for you." -By Joel & Victoria Osteen

I think we need that focused attention on our goals and dreams, not paying attention to obstacles. And start seeing obstacles as opportunities to discover a new, more exciting path toward that goal/intention we have. Of course, this entails that we are not fixed with our plan on how to get there... we have that goal/dream, but we are open on the different ways to achieve it, based on the different experiences that start coming to our lives.

Sometimes I feel I give up on my desires too quick. But when is it enough? When is it enough to keep trying to make a relationship work, or a job to be satisfying, or for a friend to be more compassionate towards us, or for a dream to come true? When do we know when to stop trying for something? How do you differentiate between obstacles and the universe or God telling us that that's not the way or what we need?

There's a fine line between keep pressing through and stubbornness, but I have learn that what matters is our capacity to keep the hard work with faith in God's will while letting go of our need to control the result of what we do. It took me 11 months to get a job in California and move. During that time, I had to put up with a lot at work... felt like humiliation at a certain point. But I kept praying every day asking God to make his will in my life, begging for patience and endurance. I kept applying to jobs, going to interviews, and trying to do my work the best I could. Eventually, after 10 months or so, I remember vividly that afternoon I was driving and I spoke to God saying something like, "God, I think it's time to stop trying for a bit... I will not apply to any jobs for 2 months so I can rest, and if it's not your will for me to go to California, please take this desire away"... I got a a job offer the next day. Unbelievable!

Have you had any similar experiences? Please share.

Do you "Crawl" OR "Fall" In Love?

Earlier this year, I had a "girl's spa day" with a friend, who had just broken up with her boyfriend. In between teas, while listening to her story, I couldn't avoid relating all the drama to one of my books, called "If the Buddha dated."

We need to apply more consciousness and awareness to our relationships. "To maintain equilibrium and keep a clear mind, we need to err on the side of the turtle" instead of the mouse. This is especially important is we have a history of troublesome relationships. If we think about it, once a woman gives up her heart, her body is not far along, so it's better to safeguard and protect our hearts as we build a friendship first before romance.

"Crawling in love is different from falling in love, or in lust, because you stay connected to your intelligence. Falling in love, which is kind of like falling out of your neocortex into your more primitive instincts, can feel euphoric, but it also bears traits of depression... When we fall in love and project the image of The Perfect One onto our new love interest, it implies that we are incomplete the way we are." And we cannot expect a man, marriage, or even a career to complete us. This is the job of God/Jesus, who is permanent, consistent, perfect, and our guide/rock/protector.

We need to stay present and attentive to any anticipation that overwhelms us or gets our perspective foggy (making us run into falling). We need to stay true to our intentions and expectations. Ask, "What crazy expectations am I feeding myself? Am I projecting the image of the all-loving mother, the father who will take care of me, the great wedding, or the picture book life?" Stay present and avoid getting involved in the dreams of marriage, perfect love, and happily ever after. I know this could be hard in today's society that teaches us to play games, secure the man, etc., but it's about applying spirituality to our relationships. And for that, we cannot let worldly influences to control our actions.

Even though I am single, I am sure that "when we crawl in love we are more likely to find the true fire of hearts meeting because our bond is based on a wide array of experiences, time together, familiarity, and the ability to talk over conflict. Sex and love will flourish alongside the rich, warm feeling that comes from an enduring bond where people dwell in each other's hearts."

I have decided to crawl into love... and yes, it requires patience, faith, endurance, trust in God, and conviction. So today I encourage us all (men & women) to crawl into love so we can discern and make good choices for life.

What do you think? Are you ready to crawl?

Could there be such person as a Corporate Yogi?

There are a lot of egos in Corporate America and needs for moving up the ladder that a Yogic lifestyle seems almost impossible to bring to this world. But just for fun, let’s imagine for a while if we would just have Yogis in Corporate America. Everything would be different: how we are, how we see work, how we work together, how we interact with executives.

First, we wouldn’t be subject to describe ourselves with “which school we went” or “the previous work experience” or “our position.” So, you wouldn’t hear things like: “I’m such and such from Harvard/Wharton/Michigan/etc. and have worked in P&G/General Mills/etc.” And we wouldn’t run to change our business cards to show our promotion because none of these descriptions matter to Yogis. The True Self is above these illusionary names and forms that are superimposed by society or our mind. We would be detached from our physical, mental, intellectual, and spiritual sheaths. We wouldn’t be boasting with intellectual achievements or collecting possessions that demonstrate our status.

Here comes the part that just a few executives/managers in Corporate America would recognize: the big “EGO” we carry around. As Yogis, we would have to detach from our egos… Ego makes us identify with limiting adjuncts or false qualities (I’m the boss, I have 10 years experience doing this, I am a top performer, I had that idea, I earn this much, etc). Ego-ism is the “I-ness” and “my-ness.” Ego makes us see ourselves as separate from the rest of mankind, reacting to others with a sense of competition rather than cooperation.

We would approach work differently. Work is a way to serve and we would be detached on the result. This means not being attached to the recognition or blame for success or failure. Note that this does not mean that we don’t do our job well… this means we give our best but keep our Self detached from what could come with it. We would be lot less afraid of bringing up failures and looking vulnerable. We would take more risks, and we wouldn’t be so focused on pleasing management but doing what needs to be done.

As Yogis, we wouldn’t be swayed with feelings of attraction and aversion (likes/dislikes). So we wouldn’t treat people differently depending on their position or how much we like them. Also, we wouldn’t walk away from distasteful situations. Because we are detached from our egos and the results of our work, we would try to share more, help more, coach more. We would be much more focused on developing people than working their asses out to have the best presentation to management. Also, we wouldn’t spend a lot of time thinking about our next move because all work will be relevant and all work will be equally excited.

So imagine the Corporate Yogi: detached from its own body & mind; detached from his/her ego; detached from the praise/blame from work. How would it be to work for/with this person? How would be the environment around this person?

I think there would be more positive energy and uplifting. This Yogi would be more compassionate with co-workers. It would not be anymore about who the top performer is or is not. But about how we can help each other succeed because our Self is the world and is everyone. We would see more teams working genuinely together, collaborating for the equal success or failure of the project (because remember we wouldn’t be doing the project to get praise and recognition, but to serve the Lord, our Self and the world.

A Yogi as part of Top Management… besides keeping everybody doing meditation J, I believe this person will behave more like a “Guru.” Because he/she are detached from position & ego, this executive would focus on guiding his team and passing along his experience so the next group of executives could continue building the path towards a better world where everyone can be their True Self. YEAH, all the bullshit about impress me; I got the power; Serve me would be over!

There are a lot of good, uplifting things about a Corporate Yogi, but reality is different! And we have to work with people with different backgrounds, way of seeing life and pursuing success. The decision or choice we have to make is on the right environment for us to be fulfilled and make a difference. We have to decide with who and where we want to be around.

It’s all about the power of our intellect and its capability to discriminate and discern.

What’s your choice? Could you be a corporate yogi?