Divine Providence

As I thought before: great things were awaiting for me in India. Yesterday, I took a glance at what that big thing could be!

During my flight, I started thinking about unceasant prayer. I have been reading a couple of books that have served as companions in my learning about this topic. They have inspired me and my desire to immerse myself in it has just increased so powerfully in the last 3 days.

Yesterday afternoon, after I returned to "Flourishing Flora" from my town visit, Bob (my Host) shared that he had read my blog, specially the posting about my dream coming to India and how I asked God for a sign that this is what He wanted for me. He and his wife cried at the blessing that their e-mail confirmation meant to me. And then he said "We love Jesus, and you should talk to my wife sometime."

I then spent the next 1-2 hours (have no idea of time) talking with Sonam. Her conversion story and how she had surrendered since then her life and will to God just touched me. She loves Jesus so much that she has given everything away to follow Him and minister others. She went on and on sharing her personal experience with God and how He has used her and Bob in touching and converting so many lost souls. There were just so many things that Sonam shared that were so similar (if not the same) that my books have been teaching me.

It is just unbelievable how God arranges everything for us: my panic attack few days before the trip, the e-mail confirmation of my stay in within hours of the attack, my hosts reading my blog and happened to be Christians as well, and their experiences with faith and how that has become their mission. God works in marvelous ways within our lives, every day. We just need to trust Him and sometimes take that leap of faith to the unknown.

I cannot wait to hear from God and also surrender to His will. This desire for prayer is just the start of His work in my life in the form or helping me serve Him. Only God knows the path ahead of me looks like, but I have now another reason to stay open to whatever He desires. This is so exciting!

After the Storm, the Sun Rises!

Yesterday, I woke up at 3:38am with a pain in my stomach (still there) and a huge need to cry… so much fear and thoughts of something bad to happen during my trip. Last week was very emotional for me; well, much more than what I can handle, so I thought I may have my heart a bit open. But no, this need to cry, scream, run away was like nothing I have felt before.

I played Christian music to help me calm down but no much help. It was like a panic attack. Then, I called the wisest women of my world: my mom. So calmly, she said: “Daughter, you are just afraid… this is a big trip and you will be by yourself for 6 days taking trains and stuff like that in a very unfamiliar place.” God has something big for you during this trip; I have been praying for it for weeks, so push forward. Pray, and pray hard; ask God to tell you if He doesn’t want you to go to India. And if He says no, cancel the trip and go somewhere else.

I kept crying my way out until 6am and, finally, fell asleep. An hour later I woke up, and I had received an email from Dharamasala (Mcleodganj) with a hotel confirmation. I have been very worried because I had not found my hotel in this city for the 3 nights I was planning to visit. There it was: His response… it was clear and straightforward… “Fear not, because I am with you.”

As everything that comes from God, this was not enough. I went to read the daily devotional “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. It says:

Trust ME, and don’t be afraid. I want you to view trials as exercises designed to develop your trust-muscles. You live in the midst of fierce spiritual battles, and fear is one of Satan’s favorite weapons. When you start to feel afraid, affirm your trust in Me… Remember that there is no condemnation for those who belong to Me. You have been judged NOT GUILTY for all eternity. Trust Me, and don’t be afraid; for I am your Strength, Song, and Salvation.”

And I just got my Vitamin of the day. An excerpt says:

“And what I sense in my spirit is the new thing is going to be far greater than you’ve ever seen before. It’s going to be bigger than you imagined. It’s going to be more rewarding than you thought possible. Now you’ve got to come into agreement and say, “Yes, God, this is for me today. I’m not going to get stuck where I am. I’m not going to go around with little dreams, little goals. I know You’re a big God, and You have something big coming my way!”” (by Joel & Victoria).

Moments of Vulnerability

For those who know me well, you know that being vulnerable is not my thing. It is hard for me to let people know what is going on with me, especially if it is related with emotions.

This past week has been full of challenges, and Sunday finally became the day that vulnerability became so evident:

- I stopped at the red light and, all of the sudden, decided to go and almost crashed with another car.

- I had a picnic with friends and left my food in my apartment

- A friend shared her salad with me and half way into eating it I dropped it

- I have insomnia now… being awake since 3:38am. All I feel is pain and fire in my stomach… I am nervous, very…

What am I afraid of? Is it the India trip and the fact that there is barely a plan for those 20 days? Is it the changes in my heart? Or is it the upcoming move?

I have been so afraid of rejection or failure lately that is not even funny. It has become my movie title for the month of August. Interestingly, this time or at least right now I don’t have an answer, other than taking one day at a time, trusting that the way will be shown to me as I go. I just need to continue overcoming those fears and, more importantly, opening my heart to those close to me so I can bring them near and they can help me as I wonder the dark streets of the unknown.

This is so not comfortable…

P.S. As a song I’m listening goes:

“I can only imagine it would be like when I walk by Your side,

I can only imagine when my eyes will see when Your face is before me,

I can only imagine…

Surrounded by Your glory what will my heart feel

Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of You will be still,

Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall

Will I sing Hallelujah, Will I be able to speak at all,

I can only imagine!”

The Book that Came Handy for an Important Decision

I have been reading a book called “Spiritual Combat,” which has awakened different reflections in the last week or so. In trying to make a decision on what I really want to do next in my career, I encountered provoking statements about comfort, affliction, and our will. All these play an important role as we try to find unity with God and that internal peace and happiness we are all searching for.

It was kind of enlightening to learn that the struggle of the flesh and the spirit goes way beyond what is material and physical (and hence bad) and what is immaterial and unworldly (and then good). Both of these extremes are totalitarian and incomplete. In the middle of these two is our will that somehow is “worthy of blame because it neither delights in the disgrace of sin nor agrees to the hardship of virtue.” “It is anxious to pursue future blessings in such a way as not to lose present ones.” And this is why it is so important for us to learn and understand our will, which is knowing ourselves, so that we can see what our inclinations, habits and fears are. By this way, when we find ourselves between flesh and spirit we will know what to choose.

What was even more powerful is to understand that if we don’t afflict ourselves (or somehow put ourselves into challenging situations or just make a choice), God will do it for us so that we can change and grow spiritually because it is in nothingness that we find unity with God. Comfort, then, or the idea of keeping things safe, as they are, as it pleases us, becomes the great obstacle to spiritual health. Hence, our main battle is against the self that is constantly trying to either keeps us attached to the known or afraid of the unknown.

The good news is that everything goes back to knowledge of our selves and the understanding of the role of faith within it. “The light is the knowledge faith gives us, and we have seen that our understanding of who we are, of how we are to behave, and of our destiny comes from the revelation of God.” Thus, the effort to accept the truth determines how we behave, making faith such a personal matter. We do not make our circumstances, but we do decide how we use them.

Source: "Spiritual Combat Revisited" by Jonathan Robinson of the Oratory