It seems that several women go through a process of
self-discovery or re-discovery after divorce or long-time relationships. Most
of us state that we lost our selves, letting the partners’ lives and hobbies trump their own. And I couldn’t avoid thinking: why do
we give up on ourselves?
I started this note writing that we should try knowing
ourselves before being married; understanding the things/hobbies we
cannot give up no matter our marital status; and I even thought about encouraging open conversations with your partner on the compromises needed so that both
could feed each others’ dreams and passions. But then, wonderful God and His Holy
Spirit illuminated me… It got to be them because I do not think I could have
come up with this one on my own.
We forget that hobbies and activities only fill our lives of
stuff. It only fills up time and sometimes we can continue adding things
without feeling fulfilled or only attaining temporary fulfillment. Sometimes, it could only serve as a
distraction and a noise for us not to spend time in silence or in servicing
others. I think that everyone, women and men, need to be continuously in search
of their mission in life and what they are called to do for God and ultimately
their salvation. And it is the
duty of a husband and a wife to help his/her partner achieve salvation by
supporting them through their mission. This fulfills our vocation in matrimony.
The mission becomes the passion, and both partners work
together toward supporting, encouraging and helping each other to bring to life
their respective missions. Otherwise, there will always be emptiness in their
hearts. And losing themselves by “doing” what the other does is only a symptom
of a bigger issue. This is the fact that nowadays we spend more time “doing
things of the world” rather that “servicing and loving for God.”
Its an interesting point you bring up, as I was just having Dim Sum with friends yesterday talking about the same matter. Although there is expectation of a future marriage in all who were around the table, there was talk about what the price each one was willing to pay to achieve adequate companionship. From my ponderings, I understand God to have created a marriage partnership based on the principle of "idoneus", which implies that you're apt, qualified, appropriate for your mate. Somehow, we have allowed ourselves to be fooled or distracted into believing that we must change, modify or sacrifice to be able to make a relationship work. Friendship proves that we are of influence, where a transformation happens in people who chose to love each other despite their diferences. Add God to that equation. A concious relationship where God is center will be influenced by God's wisdom, peace, harmony, love... to transform both members of a marriage to be "idoneus," which was his plan from the start. The marriages that I have seen work have this clear at their core. It doesn't exempt them from disagreements, but it does move them to seek reconciliation. It doesn't guarantee lack of struggles, but it fills them with hope that there is growth in the process. It doesn't imply change will not occur, it makes love motivate each of them in such a way that they willingly want to change as a result of their love for each other. We so want the checklist, the self-help technique, but just as salvation comes by God's grace, our succesful relationship with a mate can only flourish as a direct result of our understanding that we must extend that same salvific grace to each other. (I think I'm done rambling now... thanks for sharing!)
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