Losing a Sister, Having a Shining Star for Life!

This Holiday Season was an unforgettable one… I lost my sister Sussy. She was admitted into the hospital the night of December 25^th, passed away on December 31^st, and was buried on January 6^th. Sussy was my oldest sister from the side of my dad. She was 37 and mother of 4: a teenager girl, a 4-yr. old boy, and 10 months old twin girls. Even though we did not grow up being very close to each other, losing her had a significant meaning for me. Ultimately, she was my sister and we shared good moments together.

During her funeral service, the Priest gave us a beautiful message about the Epiphany, which has kept me inspired to do a bit more research. “The Epiphany takes its name from the Greek epiphania, which denotes the visit of a god to earth. The first idea of the feast is the manifestation of Christ as the Son of God. The feast unites three events in the life of Christ when His divinity, as it were, shines through His humanity: the adoration of the Magi; the baptism of Christ in the Jordan; and the first miracle at the wedding feast of Cana. A second important idea in Epiphany is the extension of Christ's kingship to the whole world. The revelation of Christ to the three kings at Bethlehem is a symbol of His revelation to the whole of the Gentile world. Epiphany presents to us the calling of not merely a chosen few, but all nations to Christianity. Closely linked to both these themes of divine manifestation and world kingship is a third idea running through the Epiphany feast: that of light. At Christmas the Light shone forth, but dimly, seen only by a few around the crib: Mary and Joseph and the shepherds. But at Epiphany the Light bursts forth to all nations and the prophecy is fulfilled: "The Gentiles shall walk in Thy light, and kings in the brightness of Thy rising." The mysterious star of Epiphany, ‘flashing like a flame,’ is still another facet of the light-motif.”

The Priest told us that life is full of stars or situations to direct us or show us the way to the light. He asked us to think of Sussy as a flashing star. This has made me reflect significantly in my relationship with my siblings (especially from dad side). And I want to be more for them… I want us to be a family. I want them to feel that they can count on me; I want to make them smile and share great moments with them. I want to also be close to my other nephews and nieces… guide them and advise them, or simply be there for them.

But the Epiphany also gives me a message of courage. “Like the three wise men, we should have the courage to follow the light of the star we have seen, however hazardous the journey; that the light of our faith, like that of the wise men, should be so strong that we are able to see and recognize our Lord and Ruler in however unexpected a way He may present Himself to us.” I hope and pray I can face with courage and humility every situation that comes my way, in my desire to strengthen my family relationships and carry the light of Christ to all those I meet in my journey.

Source:

http://www.catholicculture.org/culture/liturgicalyear/activities/view.cfm?id=442

Today Feeling Alone is a Reason for Joy

Some days I get the feeling that it sucks to be single. Yeah, this feeling of “aloneness” sucks. But today, I got to think about it a bit deeper.

I am so thankful I feel sometimes this way, because:

• This means that I do want to be married and have a family. Admitting that I’m not happily single continues making me understand the wonderful feeling of being a woman and trying to get everything I can as a woman.
• I realize that I do want a relationship. I do want to cuddle while watching TV on a cold day; I desire to have someone who cares about my day and giving me company as much as possible; and I want that special person that is my best friend and lover at the same time.

This feeling of loneliness is a reason of joy. It is a natural progression of my spiritual journey. “As a conscious, forward thinking, fun-loving, choice-making individual, you realize that you hold everything you need inside of yourself but you also realize that you deserve loving and healthy human contact.” So I will continue enjoying waiting for the man God is preparing for me; I will continue meeting lots of people and being my very self; I will continue using this wonderful time to serve and praise God, while leaving enough time for that special one to come to my life; and more importantly, I will not stop believing because I am a child of love and hope.

A Very Hopeful Letter, but Never Sent

Mr. Single Man,

This is not natural to me so please be gentle with me. I rationalize everything; I follow logic more than heart. With you, not the case: My heart is expressing in ways that I can actually understand… it just flows, feels natural and not forced. So, here I am, taking a leap of faith (different from jumping into the pool), getting out of my comfort zone and trying something new.

I know it has been a few times we have shared together, but consistently this is how I have felt:

· I enjoy getting to know about you and I want to know more. I really like your company. You are fun, smart, kind, intellectual, thoughtful, cute, handsome & just great J

· I lose track of time around you, and I don’t want time with you to come to an end. I just want to keep doing things with you or bringing up more topics just to have more time with you. I feel like I want to share with you everything that’s going on with me or that I want to do/experience. :-)

· I can be myself around you. I’m not afraid of what could happen, what you could think, whether you are judging me… I don’t even think about it… I am just my real self. With you, I can be goofy, nerdy, argumentative, silly, sarcastic, Miss Smarty-pants, etc… because you kindly accept me.

All this feels right and good, and I don’t want to give it all up just because I’m a few thousand miles away or afraid of being rejected. I know I cannot ask much, so I would like to humbly request:

Are you willing to staying in touch with me, in a very deliberate way?

Intention is to get to know each other without being worried about distance. When appropriate, we can discuss distance. For now, let’s do phone dating :-)

I know our lives are busy and together we can think of many reasons why this cannot work. But it’s a matter of trying and not calling out the play before the game starts. We will need to be willing to let go a little of our routines and make time/space for each other. Just remember that we cannot see what the other side holds for us if we are not willing to go through the unknown for a bit.

There may even be a reason why God has brought us together right at the time of my move to NY. Let’s take a small leap of faith… what do you say?

If this note offends you or puts you in an uncomfortable position, please forgive me. BUT if your answer is yes, call me as soon as possible and tell me about your day.

Divine Providence

As I thought before: great things were awaiting for me in India. Yesterday, I took a glance at what that big thing could be!

During my flight, I started thinking about unceasant prayer. I have been reading a couple of books that have served as companions in my learning about this topic. They have inspired me and my desire to immerse myself in it has just increased so powerfully in the last 3 days.

Yesterday afternoon, after I returned to "Flourishing Flora" from my town visit, Bob (my Host) shared that he had read my blog, specially the posting about my dream coming to India and how I asked God for a sign that this is what He wanted for me. He and his wife cried at the blessing that their e-mail confirmation meant to me. And then he said "We love Jesus, and you should talk to my wife sometime."

I then spent the next 1-2 hours (have no idea of time) talking with Sonam. Her conversion story and how she had surrendered since then her life and will to God just touched me. She loves Jesus so much that she has given everything away to follow Him and minister others. She went on and on sharing her personal experience with God and how He has used her and Bob in touching and converting so many lost souls. There were just so many things that Sonam shared that were so similar (if not the same) that my books have been teaching me.

It is just unbelievable how God arranges everything for us: my panic attack few days before the trip, the e-mail confirmation of my stay in within hours of the attack, my hosts reading my blog and happened to be Christians as well, and their experiences with faith and how that has become their mission. God works in marvelous ways within our lives, every day. We just need to trust Him and sometimes take that leap of faith to the unknown.

I cannot wait to hear from God and also surrender to His will. This desire for prayer is just the start of His work in my life in the form or helping me serve Him. Only God knows the path ahead of me looks like, but I have now another reason to stay open to whatever He desires. This is so exciting!

After the Storm, the Sun Rises!

Yesterday, I woke up at 3:38am with a pain in my stomach (still there) and a huge need to cry… so much fear and thoughts of something bad to happen during my trip. Last week was very emotional for me; well, much more than what I can handle, so I thought I may have my heart a bit open. But no, this need to cry, scream, run away was like nothing I have felt before.

I played Christian music to help me calm down but no much help. It was like a panic attack. Then, I called the wisest women of my world: my mom. So calmly, she said: “Daughter, you are just afraid… this is a big trip and you will be by yourself for 6 days taking trains and stuff like that in a very unfamiliar place.” God has something big for you during this trip; I have been praying for it for weeks, so push forward. Pray, and pray hard; ask God to tell you if He doesn’t want you to go to India. And if He says no, cancel the trip and go somewhere else.

I kept crying my way out until 6am and, finally, fell asleep. An hour later I woke up, and I had received an email from Dharamasala (Mcleodganj) with a hotel confirmation. I have been very worried because I had not found my hotel in this city for the 3 nights I was planning to visit. There it was: His response… it was clear and straightforward… “Fear not, because I am with you.”

As everything that comes from God, this was not enough. I went to read the daily devotional “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. It says:

Trust ME, and don’t be afraid. I want you to view trials as exercises designed to develop your trust-muscles. You live in the midst of fierce spiritual battles, and fear is one of Satan’s favorite weapons. When you start to feel afraid, affirm your trust in Me… Remember that there is no condemnation for those who belong to Me. You have been judged NOT GUILTY for all eternity. Trust Me, and don’t be afraid; for I am your Strength, Song, and Salvation.”

And I just got my Vitamin of the day. An excerpt says:

“And what I sense in my spirit is the new thing is going to be far greater than you’ve ever seen before. It’s going to be bigger than you imagined. It’s going to be more rewarding than you thought possible. Now you’ve got to come into agreement and say, “Yes, God, this is for me today. I’m not going to get stuck where I am. I’m not going to go around with little dreams, little goals. I know You’re a big God, and You have something big coming my way!”” (by Joel & Victoria).

Moments of Vulnerability

For those who know me well, you know that being vulnerable is not my thing. It is hard for me to let people know what is going on with me, especially if it is related with emotions.

This past week has been full of challenges, and Sunday finally became the day that vulnerability became so evident:

- I stopped at the red light and, all of the sudden, decided to go and almost crashed with another car.

- I had a picnic with friends and left my food in my apartment

- A friend shared her salad with me and half way into eating it I dropped it

- I have insomnia now… being awake since 3:38am. All I feel is pain and fire in my stomach… I am nervous, very…

What am I afraid of? Is it the India trip and the fact that there is barely a plan for those 20 days? Is it the changes in my heart? Or is it the upcoming move?

I have been so afraid of rejection or failure lately that is not even funny. It has become my movie title for the month of August. Interestingly, this time or at least right now I don’t have an answer, other than taking one day at a time, trusting that the way will be shown to me as I go. I just need to continue overcoming those fears and, more importantly, opening my heart to those close to me so I can bring them near and they can help me as I wonder the dark streets of the unknown.

This is so not comfortable…

P.S. As a song I’m listening goes:

“I can only imagine it would be like when I walk by Your side,

I can only imagine when my eyes will see when Your face is before me,

I can only imagine…

Surrounded by Your glory what will my heart feel

Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of You will be still,

Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall

Will I sing Hallelujah, Will I be able to speak at all,

I can only imagine!”

The Book that Came Handy for an Important Decision

I have been reading a book called “Spiritual Combat,” which has awakened different reflections in the last week or so. In trying to make a decision on what I really want to do next in my career, I encountered provoking statements about comfort, affliction, and our will. All these play an important role as we try to find unity with God and that internal peace and happiness we are all searching for.

It was kind of enlightening to learn that the struggle of the flesh and the spirit goes way beyond what is material and physical (and hence bad) and what is immaterial and unworldly (and then good). Both of these extremes are totalitarian and incomplete. In the middle of these two is our will that somehow is “worthy of blame because it neither delights in the disgrace of sin nor agrees to the hardship of virtue.” “It is anxious to pursue future blessings in such a way as not to lose present ones.” And this is why it is so important for us to learn and understand our will, which is knowing ourselves, so that we can see what our inclinations, habits and fears are. By this way, when we find ourselves between flesh and spirit we will know what to choose.

What was even more powerful is to understand that if we don’t afflict ourselves (or somehow put ourselves into challenging situations or just make a choice), God will do it for us so that we can change and grow spiritually because it is in nothingness that we find unity with God. Comfort, then, or the idea of keeping things safe, as they are, as it pleases us, becomes the great obstacle to spiritual health. Hence, our main battle is against the self that is constantly trying to either keeps us attached to the known or afraid of the unknown.

The good news is that everything goes back to knowledge of our selves and the understanding of the role of faith within it. “The light is the knowledge faith gives us, and we have seen that our understanding of who we are, of how we are to behave, and of our destiny comes from the revelation of God.” Thus, the effort to accept the truth determines how we behave, making faith such a personal matter. We do not make our circumstances, but we do decide how we use them.

Source: "Spiritual Combat Revisited" by Jonathan Robinson of the Oratory